Chinese customs

A Chinese man decided  to retire and move to Australia after 50 years  of living in Shanghai.

He bought a small piece of land . A few days after moving in,the friendly Aussie neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt these ‘Chinese customs’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another ‘Chinese custom’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way,…pause…., and then put his left ear next to the bull’s butt.

The Aussie bloke can’t handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, ‘Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull’s butt, it could just about sh1t on you.’

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, ‘Sorry sir, you no understand, these no … Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.’

‘What do you mean mate’ says the Aussie, ‘Those aren’t Australian customs.’

Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me’ replied the Chinese man,’He say to become true Australian, I must learn to….. chase chicks,….. get piss drunk, and …. listen to bull-sh1t.’

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid that there might be something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist, so she did.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off all you crose.”

The woman did as she was told.

Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room.”
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me.”

So she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, “Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not
haf sex or dates.” Confused, the woman asked, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what
is Ed Zachary disease?”

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, “Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.”

Brilliant Student

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM – I would have given him 100%. 

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?  * his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?  * at the bottom of the  page

Q3. River  Ravi  flows in which state?  * liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?  * marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?  * exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?  * Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?  * The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?  * It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?  * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?  * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?  * Very large hand

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a  wall, how long would it take four men to build it?  * No time at all, the wall is already  built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?  *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

As heard on the street

  • Six time hot dog eating champion, Takeru Kobayashi, was arrested after this year’s contest and charged with trespassing…..Believe me, you don’t want to be known in jail as a hot dog eating champion.
  • According to a new survey by “Self” magazine, 50 percent of single women have sex 3 to 5 times a week. Ever wonder who these women are having sex with? Well, it is called “Self” magazine…
  • Scientists think Neanderthals lived fast and died young. So don’t expect to see a third season of “Jersey Shore.”
  • Bill Clinton has a cameo in the new “Hangover 2? movie. When asked why Clinton was in the movie, the producer said, “There are some things even Mike Tyson won’t do.”
  • Facebook is now combining e-mail, instant messaging and text messaging…To create a world where nothing gets done at the workplace ever again.
  • There’s an iPhone app to let you pee on the phone to test for STD.It’s being called the best app ever … to load onto somebody else’s phone.
  • A woman in Illinois was arrested for hitting a police officer with a sex toy. There’s a good chance she’ll get off…
  • A black couple in England has given birth to a white baby with blue eyes. The father says it is “simply unexplainable.” This kind of thing happens more often than you would think, according to the couple’s white friend.
  • A report indicates Viagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men. So guys, you can have sex, but you can’t hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, Viagra sales have skyrocketed.