Got a Comb

A taxi driver picks up a drunk, but places him on the front passenger seat so he can keep an eye on him. After a while, the drunk falls asleep.

The taxi driver then sees a gorgeous brunette in a miniskirt, obviously in need of a taxi. It turns out she’s going to the same part of town so he gladly lets her sit in the back.

As the journey proceeds, the taxi driver glances in the mirror and realizes he can see all the way up her skirt – and she’s not wearing any knickers. He nudges the drunk awake, turns the mirror towards the passenger seat and whispers, “Oi, take a look at this!”

The drunk looks in the mirror and sighs: “Have you got a comb, mate? I look like a cunt.”

Common get a move on

A couple were having friends round for dinner and decided to go for a French evening, with snails etc.

The man got the shopping list and volunteered to do the shopping, while his wife tidied up.

On the way back from the shops he bumped into an old pal and they went for a pint or five.

Half pissed and an hour and a half late, he staggers up to the garden gate.

He quickly gets the bag of snails out, lines them up on the path and rings the bell.

Before his wife can even think about moaning, the man looks at the snails and says…..

“Come on you little fcukers, get a move on, we’re never going to get ready at this fcuking rate!”