Christmas Jokes

At this time of the year it’s difficult to know what to say without offending someone. So I’ve checked with my legal adviser and on his advice I wish to say the following to all friends and colleagues. Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practise religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2018, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that Great Britain is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

If one of Santa Claus’s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an “elfie”?

Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it’s voice activated.

I’m at the mall and every time Santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number.

What’s the difference between a Christmas tree and a man?

A Christmas tree will stay ‘up’ for 12 nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on.