10 pints

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh … I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”

Fanny Green

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.

‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.’

The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ‘Father,
it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.’

This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Fanny Green?’

‘A new woman in the neighborhood,’ the sinner replied.
‘Very well,’ sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon,
a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ‘Is that Fanny Green?’

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ‘No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’

Paddy at it again

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.¬† “I think it’s got epilepsy” he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”.
Paddy says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND “.
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
“No”, shouts Paddy, “this is her husband!”

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says “For gods sake Paddy, that’s your air freshener swinging about!”

An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable.
His wife says “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.
“Here boy” he replies.

Paddy’s in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
“What the hell you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself” Paddy replies.
“It should be around your neck” says the Guard.
“I know” says Paddy “but I couldn’t ¬†breathe”.

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
“Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the Irishman replies:
“If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the bloody boat”

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin, when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ to ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan and didn’t I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?’

She replied, ‘Aye….. that ye did, Father.’

The Father asked, ‘And be there any wee little ones yet?’

She replied, ‘No…. not yet, Father.’

The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week and I’ll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.’

She replied, ‘Oh thank ye, Father!’

They then parted ways…..

Some years later, they met again. The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’

She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’

The Father asked, ‘And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?’

She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles,¬†10 in all!’

The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?’

She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle.’