Fishing Tramp

A guy has been fishing on a river all day and caught nothing. He sees a tramp fishing nearby who is pulling one trout after another out…and throwing them back in. He tells over to him, “hey, why don’t you keep the fish…they are good eating?”
The tramp yells back, “Oh, the fish are easy to catch….its that $^#@* mattress I’m after”.

blue ringed octopusses

Dear sir I have just opened my new octopus aquarium and wonder is it possible for you to send me two, blue ringed octopusses for our exhibit. “Hmm not right that” .. Dear sir please could you send me two blue ringed octopi . “no still doesn’t seem right” . Dear sir Please could you send me a blue ringed octopus, many thanks . P.s could you send another one as well.

Sag Bags

Don”t waste your money on anti wrinkle cream.

I have been using it for six months. My balls still look like fucking walnuts.


Mac and Dave are out hunting in the woods when Dave trips over something.

He looks back and picks up a lamp, buried in the undergrowth. As he gives it a quick rub, a genie pops out.


Mac helps Dave to his feet and pulls him away from the angered genie.

“Ta Mac”, says Dave as he brushes himself off.

POOF without warning, the genie transforms Dave into a slab of tarmac.

“What the fuck have you done to me”, shouts Dave, as the genie bursts with laughter and faces Mac, who looks terrified.

“Bwa-ha-ha, you’re scared and stricken”, laughs the genie, “perhaps you’re just a puny chicken?”

POOF the genie transforms Mac into a chicken.

The Genie laughs again and decides to give them a chance, “On the count of three, if you both agree, then after a year I’ll let you free.”

“But if one of you chooses to dismiss, then forever the other will remain like this.”

Dave turns to Mac and says, “We’ve been best friends forever, there’s no way I’d say no!”

Mac turns to Dave and says, “Agreed, there’s no way I could let you endure such a terrible fate.”

The genie counts down…




They look at each other, nod, and together they say, “I agree”…

Except Mac didn’t… He didn’t agree at all and Dave was left lying on the floor, a solid piece of tarmac for the rest of eternity.

You see, Dave had slept with Mac’s wife behind his back, but Mac knew about it all along and had been waiting for the perfect opportunity for payback.

That, my friends, is why the chicken crossed the road.