Dirty Jokes (Adult Hardcore18+)

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My wife bought herself three dildos. I thought it must be one for each hole, until I saw her taping them together.

In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house, my wife walked up to me and said,”I’ll make you a deal… you go outside and cut the hedges, and I’ll shave my pussy.”

I replied, “Don’t be stupid. We can’t both use the hedge trimmer at once.”

Halfway through my shift at the Photo Shop, a guy came in to pick up some photos of his naked wife.
Naturally, I had a little peek as I handed them over.
“Would you like the negatives?” I asked.
“Yes please,” he said sheepishly.
I said, “Your wife’s got saggy tits and a fat ass.”

My girlfriend was telling me that black men’s cocks taste like cabbage. Then I thought- how would she know that?
The fat bitch has never eaten cabbage in her life.

I was in a sex shop looking at the inflatable dolls when the shop assistant came over, he said ” have you thought about purchasing the new Terrorist doll”? I said ” is it much different to the other inflatable dolls ?” he said ” yes they blow themselves up”.

One day the penis tells the balls:
Tonight you are going to a party!
The balls reply, You fcuking liar, you always get inside and leave us hanging!

A girl grabbed my cock and said, “Wow! Your dick wouldn’t make a very good clock.”
“Why?” I asked, intrigued.
“Because I’d struggle to get a second hand on it,” she replied.

I met this girl on the weekend and took her home to meet my dad.
He whispered to me, “Where the fcuk did you get her from, son?! She’s cross-eyed, bow-legged, and she’s got no teeth!”
I replied, “There’s no need to whisper, Dad. She’s deaf as well.”

I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge in my Speedos was upsetting some of the other swimmers. I pointed out another guy in similar trunks and asked why he was not being asked to leave.
“Because he hasn’t shat himself,” was the reply.

I was stood in the chemist and I said to the lady behind the counter, “Do you have anything that will clear up diarrhea?”
“We have some Imodium plus, if that’s what you mean,” she replied.
“No, I don’t think you understand my question. I just shat on your floor.”

I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0)))
I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.

My boss thrust a picture under my nose, “What the fcuk is this?!” he asked.
“Well,” I calmly replied, “It appears to be a photo of me fcuking your wife. You know that’s not real don’t you? It’s clearly been Photoshopped.”
“What?” he said, relaxing slightly, “How can you tell?”
“Well, your wife’s tits aren’t that big and they’ve airbrushed out the mole by her pussy.”

If my son farts or has his hands down his pants, my wife smiles and says, “Like father, like son!”
Yesterday we caught him shagging the neighbour, but for some reason it wasn’t funny when I said it.

My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, “You’re being charged with being good in bed…”
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.

Saw two girls at the bar last night, so I approached the one and said, “Can I borrow your lighter mate?”
She said, “I don’t smoke.”
“Neither do I,” I replied, “I want to dance with your fit friend, you tubby fcuk.”

Me and my buddy were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography.
Unfortunately, my mothersaurus.

My wife shouted upstairs, “The sun’s just come out.”
I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs.
I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

My son asked, “Dad, how come I have brown skin and you are white?”
“Well just look at your mum, son.” I said.
“But she’s not black.”
“I know, you idiot!” I replied, “She’s a fcuking whore!”

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.She said she just couldn’t take it any longer.

I was fcuking the wife last night and, after cumming for the second time, I rolled over.
My wife was not impressed and said, “How about finishing me off now?”
So I smothered her with my pillow.

I got out of the shower and my wife said, “Ooo look, it’s like a penis… only smaller.”
I said, “Ooo look, it’s like my secretary… only fatter and less flexible.”

One day a father comes home and catches his daughter on da couch shoving a cucumber in her pussy. The father says to her “fcuk me you are such a selfish little bitch, I was gonna eat that later but now its gonna taste like cucumber.”

I met a really horny bitch on the way home from the pub last night and I commented on how fcukable she looked. She thanked me for the compliment and suggested that I drag her into the bushes and have rough sex with her.
Actually, she said nothing like that but I’ve always had an extraordinary talent for reading between the lines.

Watch & Learn

I was chatting up the gorgeous barmaid from my local last night when My mate said to me, “when I fcuked her, no matter how hard a tried I couldn’t get her to moan”

My other mate then said, “Yea, I had the same problem when I fcuked her”

“Ok then lads , watch and learn. When I leave here with this girl, follow me back to my house and I’ll keep bedroom window open so you can hear” I said with a smile on my face.

After a couple more drinks, me and the girl left with my mates following half hour later.

When they arrived at my house, all they could hear was this woman screaming and moaning.

The next day my mates said to me, “Fcuking hell, how did you manage that?

“Well lads” I replied, “in situations like that, you have to use your head”

How to Unlock a Door

One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, “Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.”
So the guy says, “Well, give me some examples.”
So the girlfriend proceeds to tell him, “Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn`t for me.
Then she said, “The second way is if a man fumbles around and can`t seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn`t for me either.”
Then she said, “Honey, how do you unlock your door?”
He then proceeded to say, “Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock.”

Time to stop Breast Feeding

• He can open your blouse by himself.
• While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
• He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
• He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
• He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
• Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
• After each feeding, he has a smoke.
• He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
• You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to “Dueling Banjos.”
• Beard abrasions on areola.