Funny One Liners

  1. A person automatically becomes ten times more attractive when you find out they like you!!!
  2. Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need damn smarter friends.
  3. The only thing I know about Women: They don’t like being told what to do unless they’re naked.
  4. How long after the first date should I wait before asking to get my bra & panties back?
  5. Girls at parties are like parking spaces, if you’re late all the good ones are gone, So when nobody’s looking you stick it in the disabled one….
  6. Some of you I’d like to take under my wing like a mother hen. Others of you I’d like to trap between my thighs like the Cougar that I am.
  7. I remember the days when I wasn’t addicted to Facebook…I also remember eating, sleeping, going out, returning calls, making eye contact,
  8. Half of my Facebook friends are still there solely because their life is a train wreck and it’s entertaining.
  9. The reason you can’t go back after going black is because none of them have a car to take you back or a job to buy gas.
  10. You don’t give up your car when someone else drives drunk! So why would you give up your gun when someone else commits a crime with a gun?!
  11. Husband-Y r there torn condoms lying on sofa? Wife-What? Where? Wife goes 2 find them & comes back angrily saying-Will you stop calling our children “Torn condoms”?
  12. I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
  13. Charm me with your beauty and intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
  14. It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them!!!
  15. They say a woman’s work is never done. Maybe that’s why they get paid less.
  16. Thank God It’s Monday” ~ My Liver
  17. Who’s this “moderation” people keep telling me to drink with?
  18. Dudes in skinny jeans…there’s no need for sex if you’re already in her pants…
  19. Things you need to know about me: 1- I’m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
  20. You can’t say happiness without saying penis. Coincidence ? I think NOT…