Funny One Liners

  1. If your legs open up faster than Google’s homepage. You are not girlfriend material.
  2. My Wife’s MENU had only two items: 1: Eat it or 2: Leave it.
  3. Everyone wears the left shoe last, Don’t believe it? Proof: when we wear 1 shoe, the other one is left!
  4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
  5. Just because something is meant for kids doesn’t mean it won’t be amusing for adults. Boobs are a great example.
  6. The easiest way to confuse a woman is to give her a choice.
  7. Can officially confirm that the way to a man’s heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.
  8. You know what I like most about people? Their Pets.
  9. No party would be complete without that creepy guy sitting in the corner.
  10. All a woman wants is a strong, confident, capable man who will wear whichever shirt she tells him to.
  11. A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fcuker survived the crash.
  12. Sometimes I just want to slap the stupid out of people, but I’m worried it’d take up my entire day
  13. It is a scientific fact that the gravitational pull of a woman’s cleavage on a man’s eyes is too strong to be fought!!!
  14. If I stop my car for you to walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knee’s to chest b!tch , knee’s to chest!!!
  15. I was so drunk last night at the bar. When I walked across the dance floor to get another drink I won the dance competition.
  16. If you think my status updates are ridiculous, you should see my life choices.
  17. Better to be somebody’s dog than everybody’s BITCH !!! Every dog will have his day, remember ?
  18. Some people are only alive in this world because I really don’t want to be someone’s b!tch in prison
  19. If you surround yourself with people who are full of drama, don’t bitch if a shitstorm is always blowing through your life.
  20. I think instead of “LOL”….I’m gonna go with “SALTS” (Smiled a little then stopped). Its more truthful.