Funny One Liners

  1. Let me know when you’re off your Man-Period!!!
  2. Dear Shirtless Guy in his Profile Pic, You REALLY want to impress girls? Get a job & pose in front of your cubicle.
  3. My girlfriend spends every night in town, going from bar to bar. And she always f*cking finds me.
  4. I went door-to-door today telling my neighbors I’m a registered sex offender so they’ll keep their damn kids out of my yard.
  5. Terrorists are starting to get worried coz Americans have now started to steal their jobs
  6. What’s black and fills out welfare forms?? A pen, you jerk.
  7. Nobody should regret anything that made them smile.
  8. Toaster Settings: 1) I do nothing. 2) I do nothing. 3) I SET THE BREAD ON FIRE!
  9. LIKE if you remember what it was like to take a ton of pictures only to wait a week to find out they were useless.
  10. Studies show that your chances of getting murdered drop down significantly when you STFU and mind your own business.
  11. It can get pretty exhausting hating as many people as I do in a day.
  12. One Day I hope I can afford an iphone like that girl in line in front of me with the food stamps!!!
  13. Bad Gun! Bad Gun!….Shame on you for making criminals do those bad things!…….And then those Forks that are making me Fat!!!
  14. Oh I’m sorry, I forgot I only exist when you need something!
  15. If it wasn’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
  16. Rise and shine to all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, don’t get greedy, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night.
  17. If you can’t handle me at my drunkest, you don’t deserve me when I’m sober.
  18. What’s the point of a high school reunion? I have Facebook. I already know you got Fat
  19. The view of your Bedroom is perfect from this tree!
  20. You don’t have to be Crazy to be my friend!……..But it sure helps!