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- Let me know when you’re off your Man-Period!!!
- Dear Shirtless Guy in his Profile Pic, You REALLY want to impress girls? Get a job & pose in front of your cubicle.
- My girlfriend spends every night in town, going from bar to bar. And she always f*cking finds me.
- I went door-to-door today telling my neighbors I’m a registered sex offender so they’ll keep their damn kids out of my yard.
- Terrorists are starting to get worried coz Americans have now started to steal their jobs
- What’s black and fills out welfare forms?? A pen, you jerk.
- Nobody should regret anything that made them smile.
- Toaster Settings: 1) I do nothing. 2) I do nothing. 3) I SET THE BREAD ON FIRE!
- LIKE if you remember what it was like to take a ton of pictures only to wait a week to find out they were useless.
- Studies show that your chances of getting murdered drop down significantly when you STFU and mind your own business.
- It can get pretty exhausting hating as many people as I do in a day.
- One Day I hope I can afford an iphone like that girl in line in front of me with the food stamps!!!
- Bad Gun! Bad Gun!….Shame on you for making criminals do those bad things!…….And then those Forks that are making me Fat!!!
- Oh I’m sorry, I forgot I only exist when you need something!
- If it wasn’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
- Rise and shine to all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, don’t get greedy, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night.
- If you can’t handle me at my drunkest, you don’t deserve me when I’m sober.
- What’s the point of a high school reunion? I have Facebook. I already know you got Fat
- The view of your Bedroom is perfect from this tree!
- You don’t have to be Crazy to be my friend!……..But it sure helps!