Funny One Liners

  1. Women sex toys cost money for Batteries! Men’s sex toys cost money for rent, clothes, groceries…..
  2. My dad worked on the roadwork’s for twenty years before he got fired for stealing! At first I didn’t believe it… but when I got home all the signs were there
  3. I don’t understand why so many of you are unhappy. They sell vodka where you are, don’t they?
  4. Yo mama’s so ugly, she made a blind kid cry.
  5. So I made up a new word: Ask-hole; someone who constantly asks for your advise then does the opposite of what you told them.
  6. Just remember that whatever you put up with, you end up with.
  7. All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
  8. When you’re an Olympic-size slut, every day is an opening ceremony.
  9. You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
  10. Girls who say, “a lot of guys are after me”, should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers.
  11. Girls who are easy on the eyes are usually hard on the balls and wallet.
  12. I’ve been asking God to send me my soul-mate. Either he’s not listening or we’ve got very different ideas on how she should look.
  13. I’m always on my ”Best” Behavior…It just so happens my Best Behavior isn’t very good!!
  14. If women don’t fool around, and men do fool around, who are the men fooling around with?
  15. Laughing at all the lovey dovey posts today from the same people who were so miserable in the exact same relationships that they felt it news worthy enough to post how miserable, unhappy and thoroughly disgusted they were with that exact same person
  16. Careful girls, fat guys just wanna get inside your pantries.
  17. Every morning you have two choices: be productive and really shine, OR pour some coffee, log in and start posting. Hello, darlings.
  18. During the opening Olympic ceremony I thought the Chinese uniforms looked pretty good!….And the ones worn by the Chinese team weren’t too bad either!!!
  19. Man Rule #6……Men’s Olympic Swimming events are the ”Only” I repeat ”Only” time speedo’s are allowed!!!
  20. Robert Pattinson said Kristen Stewart humiliated him. Then he added it was even more humiliating than being in Twilight.