Funny One Liners

  1. So this Kristen Stewart cheating stuff… Still a better love story than Twilight.
  2. Kristen Stew@rt is apologizing for “everything she has done”, which I’m assuming includes the Twilight series.
  3. Aww I’m sorry you’re mad the world doesn’t revolve around you. Here…let me pour you a nice, tall glass of Get Over It.
  4. Why is YOLO popular all of a sudden? Was there seriously a problem of people thinking we lived twice?
  5. It’s so hot outside, I bet Jehovah’s Witnesses are going to start telemarketing.
  6. Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
  7. My girlfriend always keep her boobs pressed against my face when she asks me for expensive things.She calls it the “Booby trap”
  8. Debt collectors calling you? They don’t call ME anymore after I answer the phone “Homicide, Detective Smith speaking, please give me your full name and direct affiliation with the victim who’s phone you’ve just called.” Problem solved!
  9. Just remember whatever you put up with you end up with!
  10. Nothing more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye looking up at you while giving you head.
  11. Someone should invent padded underwear for men to get back at women for wearing pushup bras
  12. My wife always compliments me after an argument. “I couldn’t have married a bigger d!ck”
  13. Just found $4 on the ground. Well, more like $2.40 after my ex wife claims her share
  14. Statistics never show how many accidents each year are the direct result of a guy checking out some chick’s ass.
  15. Willow Smith is 11 years old and has a tongue piercing, half of her hair shaved off, and is claiming to be bisexual? Sounds like somebody needs to move in with their auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.
  16. Shopping for a minivan at a car show while you’re married is like going to a strip club and looking at the DJ.
  17. Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance! *this fb status had been approved and paid for by Alcohol
  18. Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
  19. Never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn’t hate.
  20. I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.