Funny One Liners

  1. I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
  2. I hate it when I remove myself from around people to fart in peace and they follow me right after I have release a big one.
  3. When I have complicated problems I always ask myself, what would my imaginary wife do? And then I end up buying myself cupcakes, and shoes.
  4. All men approve of premarital sex……until they have a daughter.
  5. I wake up easy most of the time, but every now and then, I wake up hard.
  6. There’s no place like home. (to poop)
  7. A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: ‘All we did was correct his eyesight’
  8. Its no longer the little birdy that told you something. now days its “i seen it on facebook.”
  9. I can see smoke on the horizon. God I hope it’s rest of Monday burning to the ground
  10. Everyone has at least one friend who treats their Facebook status like their therapist.
  11. People with a sense of humor are so much easier to talk to.
  12. World population:7,018,521,683….just in case some one starts feeling too important
  13. ”What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller!” -ask Super Mario
  14. China is now entering sperm as contestants in Olympic swimming events, claiming they are of age.
  15. Is it so wrong to bang on your neighbor’s door at 2am and ask them to reset their modem?
  16. We have three types of friends in life: Friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime.
  17. Life is like photography – we develop from the negatives.
  18. Santa has elves. America has China.
  19. Yelling someone’s name in different voices until they finally hear you
  20. Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.