Funny One Liners

  1. Stopped by the apple store to see if they have a better phone than the Samsung Galaxy S3……ilaughed
  2. Olympic Gymnast: Jumps 20 feet in the air, defies all laws of physics, does 10 backflips, defeats voldemort, comes back down and lands perfectly on the balance beam while fireworks go off in the background. ME: I fall on face as I try putting my socks on.
  3. 321.
  4. Oh goodness it’s Olympic Soccer. If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I’d take some of my single friends to the bar.
  5. They should make the female swimmers wear a tube top & thong then maybe I’d finish before they did.
  6. If you are living your life without giving an “f”, You are living a li[ ]e.
  7. I tried cooking with wine tonight, after five glasses, I forgot why I was even in the kitchen
  8. I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
  9. Word of the day Exhaustipated………..Just too tired to give a sh!t
  10. People nowadays take pictures, not for memories, but to post them on Facebook and get comments.
  11. Everyone has that one friend who treats their Facebook status like their therapist.
  12. Best part about staying up late = total absence of morning people.
  13. Don’t ever change for anyone. Nothing is worth compromising your beliefs. Unless it’s for money.
  14. You can find true happiness inside yourself! Haha, almost had you. I’ll meet you at the liquor store.
  15. So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?
  16. Husband: Honey I bought the new Gold Olympic Condoms… Wfie: Why not Silver and come second for a change…?
  17. Bought one of those tennis racket looking bug zappers today. My god, where have you been all my life. What fun! Oooh, here comes the dog….
  18. Pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.
  19. I hate when I can’t find a decent status update to steal.
  20. My misery loves vodka, and hates company.