Funny One Liners

  1. Ladies; The “JUICY” on the back of these shorts should really be on the front.
  2. The Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “IT’S NOT WORKING, I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE , I’M GOING TO MOTHERS ” I opened the fridge, the light came on, The Beer was Cold,,, What the Hell is she talking about !?!?
  3. I’ve been Nominated for Facebook’s New Award, Most Funny/Best Posts in 2013!…….In other news I lost my job, my wife, car, and all contact with the outside World!!!
  4. I just read that Stevie Wonder is filing for divorce. I guess in the end, they just didn’t share the same views!
  5. BEST ADVICE: Be happy in front of people who don’t like you, it kills them.
  6. I bet women’s trust issues with men started with a weatherman.
  7. WhatsApp….. Person is typing… Person is typing… Person is typing… Person is typing… Person is typing… Person is typing… Person says: hi
  8. Just remembering some of my elementary school days and chuckled when I remembered how sitting “boy, girl, boy, girl” used to be a punishment.
  9. I Love when my Friends help to Identify themselves as Technologically-Retarded Idiots by changing their Status to: “WOW I can’t believe that you can see who is viewing your Profile!”…
  10. If you don’t know, please ask. If you don’t agree, argue. If you don’t like it, please say it. But don’t sit there quiet and judge me.
  11. Asian Pregnancy Test: Insert Rubix cube into Vagina. Pull it out 30 seconds later. If its solved……. you are pregnant.
  12. My Level of Maturity Changes Depending On Who I’m With
  13. Scientists finally discovered how an elephant trumpets. Maybe now they can get back to curing cancer…
  14. Don’t stare at me during sex! I don’t know you!
  15. How does a person from New Zealand find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying.
  16. First Olympic sailing result just in. GB have taken gold, Australia have taken silver and Somalia have taken the boat
  17. Bowling is my favorite sport because you don’t have to run and there’s beer five feet away.
  18. I don’t appreciate the trash talking Chinese athletes saying “we OWN you!” to the U.S. team. Let’s leave our deficit out of this!
  19. My sex life is a lot like the Olympic 100m final. I wait 4 years for it and it’s over in less than 10 seconds.
  20. Finally, track and field. Where the men are men and the women are too…