Funny One Liners

  1. Even in the Olympics, women’s basketball is un-watchable.
  2. At least Stevie wonder was faithful, he never saw any other women during his marriage.
  3. Ladies, please. Get a hold of yourselves. There’s enough of me to disappoint all of you.
  4. Stay away from a place called, “Farm Fresh Restaurant”. I ordered the chicken soup. A rooster walked up and teabagged his ball$ in a hot bowl of water at my table.
  5. Sitting on the toilet this morning, I was reminded of my first divorce. At first I thought it had been a clean break, but then it got messy and there was lots of paperwork.
  6. I just took a poop so black, I sent an Instagram of it to Kim Kardashian and she asked what team it plays for
  7. Perhaps the greatest fashion revolution was moving the pads from the shoulder to the bras
  8. AWE YEAH,,, I just washed my dog with Axe body wash… He’s gonna to get ALL DA B!TCHES
  9. I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
  10. If the sheets are still on the bed when it’s over, you’re doing it wrong.
  11. Religion – because thinking for yourself is hard.
  12. I told her she has a nice ass. As a lady, she looked at me like my mom didn’t raise me right. But we all know she’ll smile about it in the ladies room.
  13. I once won an argument with a woman…in this dream I had.
  14. I just pictured my life…..and there isn’t room for you in the frame.
  15. Second chances: When it just didn’t hurt enough the first time.
  16. I hope the Olympics has taught kids and parents that in real life you do not get a trophy just for participating.
  17. Scientists Say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons.. They Forgot to mention Morons..
  18. My pet peeve: ketchup bottle precum
  19. Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
  20. The world is made up of kids who can’t wait to grow up…and adults who wish they hadn’t.