Funny One Liners

  1. Good friends don’t let you do dumb things… alone.
  2. Hate being fat. Love eating food.
  3. You can convince people to go anywhere with the promise of free food.
  4. If you get sexted by someone you don’t like…does that mean you got molexted?
  5. I don’t have a dirty mind… I have a sexy imagination!
  6. If your status update contains the words, “I know 99% of you won’t repost this,” there is a 99% chance you’re an idiot.
  7. You have 2,000 friends on FB and your profile pic was taken in the mirror? You couldn’t find one of your “friends” to take it?
  8. “I am cleaning up my friends list” should be changed to “I’m notifying you that you should give me attention and argue your friendship level to me.”
  9. Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics’ album at 4am.
  10. My doctor told me to start killing people. Well, not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing!
  11. Funny, this warrant doesn’t feel so outstanding.
  12. And the moral of Little Red Riding Hood is,,, Learn to differentiate facial features between a wild dog & a human…
  13. If there was a way to read a woman’s mind…I’m still not sure I’d want too…I hate shoes, shopping, gossip & I already know I’m annoying.
  14. Relax,,, We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
  15. I’m not really a social drinker. I’d say most of my drinking is work related.
  16. How you can tell if a person is Irish: a fly lands in their pint of beer. They grab the fly and start shaking it over their beer yelling “Spit it out ya bastard, spit it out!”
  17. Expecting your guy to be romantic all the time is like expecting you to behave like a porn star all the time.
  18. Beauty and the Beast is my favorite story that teaches kids that if you’re ugly, hold a girl against her will & she’ll eventually love you.
  19. Oh look, it’s raining outside. I think I’ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don’t have a window of their own.
  20. The days of good grammar has went.