Funny One Liners

  1. A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
  2. Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
  3. I wanted to stop for McDonald’s this morning but the line was too wide.
  4. “I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook
  5. The inventor of the doorbell OBVIOUSLY did not own a dog.
  6. Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
  7. I bet homeless people think we’re making fun of them when we go camping.
  8. NASA announces rover “Curiosity” landed safely on Mars. In a related story, Martians are reportedly furious over the death of their cat…vow revenge.
  9. I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of u, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family…so see you after breakfast!!
  10. I don’t know what hurts my wrist more, playing volleyball or watching women’s volleyball!
  11. It’s funny how the Chinese are competing to win back medals they probably made a month ago!
  12. Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
  13. So you’re looking for a good guy who will love and respect you, but yet you post half naked pics on your fb? why that’s  .thats brilliant!
  14. How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?……No one knows they never keep the house!
  15. SCORE! Some girl on my friends list asked me to meet her for drinks tonight! All I need to do is hit the ATM and lose 70 lbs by 8 O’Clock.
  16. Religion is a multi-billion dollar industry and those benefiting financially from it will do everything in their power to keep the con going.
  17. I do not care how old I am. I am going in the bouncy castle!
  18. The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
  19. Doing crazy things in public and not caring because you’re with your best friends.
  20. Life’s not about people who act true to your face. It’s about people who remain true behind your back.