Funny One Liners

  1. Break-up if you can’t be faithful. Stay faithful or stay single.
  2. That awkward moment when someone you like talks to you and all you can do is smile like an idiot.
  3. Facebook needs a Drama of the day section in my news feed.
  4. NASA’s robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer and porn, making it very clear that men are not from Mars..
  5. Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
  6. Today’s menu: 1 gallon of attitude, 3 cups of sarcasm, 2 tbsp of leave me the hell alone, and a generous cup of shut the f*ck up!
  7. I’ll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.
  8. Sometimes “I’m single” means “I’m drama free”, “less stressed” and “I refuse to settle for less.”
  9. Women say magazines portray an unrealistic image of beauty therefore making them feel inadequate. Then they buy 12 inch dildos.
  10. If Facebook has proved ANYTHING, it’s that the love of your life is someone you’ve never actually met.
  11. Piñatas are a great way to show kids that using assault with a deadly weapon is a fun way to get what they want.
  12. You had me at: I’m calling the police.
  13. My mother-in-law’s coming,,,,, I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep
  14. That awkward moment when you’re trying not to look when someone is staring at you.
  15. Attention friends who don’t understand humor,,, please do not attempt to reply to the posts of us who have humorous whit,,,, it’s beyond your skill level.
  16. I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that sh1t
  17. Notice you don’t hear about,”Kony” anymore? Glad everyone cared for like, five minutes.
  18. If you want to cry use a tissue, not your Facebook status.
  19. The best times of my life were spent either blowing bubbles or playing with titties…
  20. It’s not a real relationship until you secretly start to hate each other.