Funny One Liners

  1. Now I see why the Jamaica’s flag is Green,yellow and black.. It’s the color bananas go…..
  2. News: German diver receives a 0.0 score. Apparently, Olympic judges don’t appreciate cannon balls.
  3. If only they had and Olympic event for Facebook, my FB friend would win Gold everytime in the Drama event.
  4. If you’re reading this you’re probably addicted to the internet. And by internet, I mean Facebook.
  5. Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
  6. I have walrus-like reflexes! Basically I roll around my apartment and slap my belly when I want food
  7. I sleep less, I’m tired. I sleep more, I’m tired. Life is impossible.
  8. Finally Friday! Felt like it took a week to get here!!
  9. Welcome to Friday. In preparation for takeoff, please ensure all negative attitudes are properly stowed. On behalf of your captain, Samuel Adams and myself, welcome aboard. I expect sunshine and good attitudes today for our trip. Enjoy the ride.
  10. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
  11. Dear sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger, but now I love you.
  12. That awkward 3 second lap dance you get at the movies when someone walks by you.
  13. Okay, calm down. It’s a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
  14. I told my wife .. if she ever wanted to try anal sex, I’d be behind her all the way.
  15. 9 out of 10 men like girls with big boobs and the 10th guy likes the other 9 guys.
  16. I really can’t walk the walk or talk the talk but if you need someone to drink the drink, I’m your man.
  17. A recent study estimated that 8% of all Facebook accounts are fake… unless you count people’s personalities, then that number jumps to 93%.
  18. Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they’re dead.
  19. The Bible is a lot like those online Terms of Use Agreements. Everyone says they agree with it, but very few people actually read it.
  20. Accidentally took a women’s multi vitamin and I’ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.