Funny One Liners

  1. Sexy is when a woman is hot enough to flaunt it but chooses not to.
  2. My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
  3. I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
  4. By saying you want a sandwich after sex you’re letting me know you suck at sex because you expect me to be able to walk afterwards.
  5. I value your opinion as long as you don’t offer it
  6. I hate when I’m set on running a yellow light and the person in front of me chickens out.
  7. Atoms are what make us all Matter:)
  8. I didn’t see a single Olympic wrestler use the sleeper hold or figure four leg lock…
  9. Am I the only person who’s glad the Olympics are finally over with?
  10. Please spare me the agony of listening to your relationship problems if you always end up with the same idiot.
  11. You really inspire me to be a bitter person.
  12. I heard a guy complaining how expensive his wedding is costing him. Boy, he is gonna be real pist when he finds out how much his divorce is going to cost
  13. Guys are a little like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
  14. If I ever make a list of dumb things I have done my ex would be right on top.
  15. China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I’m having for lunch.
  16. Can’t afford anti-depressants so I’m just drinking No More Tears® shampoo.
  17. A wise man learns from his mistakes. A wiser man learns from others’ mistakes.
  18. You’re driving a car. It isn’t a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
  19. When I first saw you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.
  20. If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say “It’s on the house.”