Funny One Liners

  1. I must have an amazing butt because every time I finish talking to someone & turn around to walk away, I hear them whisper, “What an Ass!”
  2. My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together. I sh!t you knot.
  3. The only thing I’d like for you to say behind my back is “Do you like that?”
  4. Now that the Olympics are over, Michael Phelps can finally be released back to his natural habitat; the couch with a bong.
  5. Alien 1: “Did the humans get our message?” Alien 2: “Yeah, but they named it dub-step and dance to it.”
  6. Women are like Alarm Clocks. It’s such a relief when they finally shut the hell up.
  7. Updates status.. no one comments. Updates status again.
  8. Love doesn’t need to be perfect, it just needs to be true.
  9. My sex life is like a Ferrari.. I don’t have a Ferrari
  10. They should make a reality TV show called, “Jersey Shore meets Shark Week”
  11. My relationship with my Ex was purely psychological… She was a psycho and I was totally logical.
  12. I was angry when my neighbors put a fence around their swimming pool but then I got over it
  13. Probably the worst time to say “Or what?!” is when the cops are telling you to drop the gun and step out of the vehicle.
  14. FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
  15. That awesome moment when you flip your pillow over to the cold side.
  16. I’m not sure he understands What The Hell I’m talking about….But…..Since I’m showing cleavage, he’s at least listening ;D
  17. I love long romantic walks to the fridge. That’s how I maintain my curves 🙂
  18. I can’t stand when people say a babies age in months after a year old. “Yeah he’s 29 months old”, B$tch don’t make me do math.
  19. I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.
  20. Whoever has my voodoo doll out there … please scratch between my shoulder blades.