Funny One Liners

  1. Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.
  2. The people in horror movies would live a lot longer if they listened to me in the audience.
  3. Phases of love. 1) xoxo. 2) xxx. 3) ex.
  4. When people are singing Happy Birthday to me, I have no idea where to look.
  5. I like to have sex in the kitchen so she doesn’t have to walk to far to make me a sandwich after. You know, because I’m a gentleman.
  6. Does liking a sad status update mean I’m sympathetic for them or I like that they are sad?
  7. I get a sense of pride and achievement when my boss catches me actually doing work.
  8. Guys; You know you need to lose weight when your girlfriend is always wanting to suck on your titties.
  9. TGIF – Tongue goes in First
  10. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to be ashamed about what I do this weekend.
  11. I’m not “Mr Right” but I’ll do freaky stuff to you till he shows up.
  12. You need a woman whose last name doesn’t end in .jpg, .wmv, or .mpg
  13. Single bells, single bells,single all the way oh what fun it is to see couples fight all day hey!
  14. Are you gonna eat that… or just take pictures?
  15. If you can take my girl, then you can have her. If I can take your girl, then you can have her too.
  16. I thought Instagram was a cocaine delivery service.
  17. Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.
  18. People who matter don’t judge, & people who judge, don’t matter.
  19. Exercise, the poor man’s plastic surgery.
  20. I have good taste, but I don’t have the money to prove it.