Funny One Liners

  1. Facebook is in a relationship with the stock market and it’s complicated.
  2. Helpful hint: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
  3. BREAKING NEWS: Wall-Mart is now selling Justin Bieber CDs in the Garden Center. Right next to the Pansies.
  4. I don’t know what is more nerve wrecking… this first kiss or the first fart.
  5. I organised a 3 some last night. There were a couple of no shows but I still had a good time.
  6. I don’t know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
  7. A man came to my door and asked if I would make a donation to the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
  8. I have no sympathy for amateurs who make sex tapes or take nude pics of themselves and cry “invasion of privacy” when they fail to safeguard them and they leak to the media and public.
  9. I’m always surprised how quickly “you’re so funny” turns into “everything is a fcuking joke to you.” (usually about 3 months)
  10. Actually….The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is,,,,,, Just open the door and push her out.
  11. There’s no worse feeling than lying next to the person you love and they don’t know you love them. Or that you’re in their house again.
  12. If you watch cinderella backwards its about a woman getting put in her place.
  13. Live for what tomorrow has to offer, not what yesterday has taken away.
  14. Marriage counselling – because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they’re being an ass.
  15. There are two types of girls; girls who are fat and girls who think they are fat.
  16. You can’t be ugly and play hard to get, you are already hard to want…..
  17. “Don’t you play stupid with me!” shouted my wife. “Why would I play something I have no chance of winning?” I replied.
  18. My dog just growled back at my rumbling stomach. We have reached a new level of communication.
  19. 3. That’s how many times you have to ask someone if they’re grumpy before they get grumpy.
  20. Porn is so unrealistic. There’s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.