Funny One Liners

  1. Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
  2. I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
  3. Nothing’s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.
  4. I do this thing where I suddenly become visible to people only when they need me.
  5. It’s great that they’re searching for Amelia Earhart again,, But I think we’ve got to brace these people,, there’s a good chance she’s not alive
  6. Don’t go broke trying to look rich… act your ‘wage’
  7. Those people who try to tear you down are just pissed that they can’t reach you where you are standing.
  8. Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.
  9. A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.
  10. Time to diet. Went to the neighborhood pool today and all the women dressed me with their eyes…
  11. My therapist said I have multiple personalities and rage issues so we hit him…
  12. Being single is nice because I don’t have to repeat my mumbled gibberish in a defensive tone.
  13. Guys are always saying they get their woman to make them a sandwich right after sex. If she can walk straight after having sex, you’re doing it wrong! Go make your own damn sandwich!
  14. Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of….I wake up.
  15. All my friends are getting jobs, engaged, or married. I’m just getting more awesome.
  16. I’m okay with “lol”, I’m cool with “omg”, I even tolerate “rofl”, but “smh” needs to gtfo.
  17. Needs a Facebook button that says ˝What you just posted makes me want to punch you in the face.˝ Put it beside the Like button. Just a suggestion.
  18. What is about 6 in long, has a head, girls love to blow it, and is in a guys pants? a dollar bill you dirty minded people!! LMFAO
  19. Touch me, taste me, bite me, blow me, suck me, fcuk me, nice and slowly…but if you kiss me don’t be hasty…use your tongue and make it tasty !! 😛
  20. To satisfy a women: praise her, pamper her, cuddle her, hold her, kiss her, talk to her , listen to her, respect her, LOVE her…to satisfy a man, suck his cock JOB DONE !!