Funny One Liners

  1. If you are making love to music, use live album cos you get a round of applause every 3 minutes.
  2. I do not have bad attitude… I have a low tolerance for bullsh1t.
  3. Go for someone who is not only proud to have you but will also take every risk just to be with you.
  4. Is sure that at a certain point, you are going to need to come to terms with your retardation.
  5. Well..I updated my status…offended someone. Was deleted from their friend list…Yep..My work here is done 😀
  6. In case of emergency, exits can be located at the log out, delete, deactivate, hide and block features. Thank you for flying with Facebook
  7. Think I will wear my SUPER BITCH cape today
  8. It’s 2012. We’re supposed to have flying cars and stuff. But no… Just pajamas that look like jeans.
  9. I’m starting to believe that most people wouldn’t be that much different if they were turned into actual zombies….
  10. Some relationships are like Tom & Jerry. They tease each other, knock down each other irritate each other but can’t live without each other.
  11. When I sit down on a field, I automatically start pulling grass out of the ground.
  12. If a car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a little so the cars behind me can see I’m not causing the traffic
  13. I want to make a puzzle that says “Get a job” after its completed.
  14. Ladies, holding out on sex with your man to get what you want will not work. He will just take longer showers.
  15. To the additional pot that was on the stove after I thought I was done washing the dishes, I hate your stinkin’ guts.
  16. I think my iPhone is broken. I keep pressing the home button but I’m still at work!
  17. My buddy told me he was having sex with twins… I asked how do you tell them apart? He said, “Her brother has a mustache”
  18. There are so many scams on the Internet now days, but for $19.95 i can show you how to avoid them.
  19. When I get a prescription for drugs, I don’t ask, ‘Will it work? Are there any side effects?’ No, it’s ‘Can I drink with these?’
  20. How embarrassing would it be if Facebook automatically updated statuses to what you where doing. “Billy is alone in his room.”