Funny One Liners

  1. Think most people would be both disappointed and relieved if they realized just how little other people care what they do.
  2. Men go through 3 stages in life: Drinking from boobs, staring at boobs, and growing boobs.
  3. I can tell by the way you give me instructions that you’ve dealt with a lot of dumb people before me.
  4. Hey, I have an idea. Instead of complaining about your auto-correct every day, how about going into your settings & turning it the fcuk off?
  5. For those of you who don’t know me, we haven’t met yet.
  6. Where I am from, if I was “16 And Pregnant” I’d get an ass beating not a TV show.
  7. Excuse me, miss, you’ve got a little bit of face on your makeup there..
  8. Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?
  9. Hey guys! I live in a soundproof house with no doors or windows and I’d just like to thank all 900 of you for your status updates telling me there’s a storm outside because I wouldn’t have known otherwise and I like to keep in touch with the world. Thank you very much!
  10. First Michael Jackson and now Neil Armstrong. I see God is no fan of moon-walkers.
  11. Just updated my resume. Hobbies section now includes: “Currently tied with Lance Armstrong in Tour de France victories.”
  12. France FINALLY won a war! Too bad it was against Lance Armstrong.
  13. Say what you want about Lance Armstrong, but I think being the first man to walk on the Moon is an amazing achievement. They can never take that away from him…
  14. The world does not revolve around you, it revolves around the sun…which shines out my ass.
  15. I might invent a new beer, call it “Occasionally”. When people ask if I drink, I can say ‘I drink Occasionally’ this way they won’t think i’m an alcoholic.
  16. Dear lady who says she will only date guys who drive Mercedes or BMW cars, yet your father drives a Hyundai; Why can’t you be humble like your mother?
  17. I realised today after seeing gray hair in the mirror that my dream of being a child star will never happen.
  18. How embarrassing would it be if Facebook automatically updated statuses to what you where doing. “Billy is alone in his room.”
  19. If Satan ever loses his hair, there will be Hell toupee.
  20. “My imaginary friend is better than yours!” ~ religion.