Funny One Liners

  1. Yes, I’m aware I can’t fly, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try if my chute doesn’t open.
  2. When Asian tourists ask me to take their picture for them; I always say, “Okay let’s do one more but this time don’t squint
  3. I wake up relatively happy every morning. Then I interact with other people and things change quickly.
  4. Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I’m the asshole for tripping him??
  5. Saw a boat with a sign that read “For Sale” so I added the missing “-ing”…………………… Idiots.
  6. I ignored your Facebook Friend Request only because there isn’t a ”Oh Hell No!” Button!!!
  7. I just held the door open for a Japanese guy and he said, “Sank you” So I punched him in the face. I can’t believe he brought up Pearl Harbor just like that.
  8. There is no “I” in “team.” But there’s an “I” in “Tim,” and my friend Carlos pronounces it “team” so….there
  9. My I.Q. goes from 125 to about 14 when there’s a hot girl around.
  10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day! Teach a man to fish and he will go out and purchase expensive fishing gear, stupid looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel 1000 miles to a lake, to stand waist high to catch 2 fish!
  11. Steven Tyler is quitting American Idol after two seasons! I sure am going to miss that old lady!!!
  12. I’m old school when it comes to video games and by that I mean I turn into a senior citizen who yells “which one am I?” every 30 seconds.
  13. I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
  14. The clearer your conscience, the more likely you are to answer a call from an unknown number.
  15. You ever notice when your phone decides to call someone its someone you don’t want to talk to.!
  16. My liver works harder for two days than I do all week…
  17. I’m not calling you a slut, But if you had a password for your vagina it would be “1234”
  18. Sundays always bring out my inner senior citizen….
  19. Practicing my “Eye Rolling” cause you know… tomorrow’s Monday.
  20. You know times are tough when you are totally jealous of your friends shopping spree… at the dollar store!