Funny One Liners

  1. Shout out to all the people in church today, who didn’t speak to anyone, cause their breath still smelled like Jack Daniels.
  2. Might love you quicker if you bring me more Liquor.
  3. My relationship advice is if you’re not single you deserve it.
  4. STOP ANIMAL TESTING…they don’t know the answers.
  5. Advice to women: don’t confuse men with credit cards.
  6. A womans anger is like a check engine light..there is no way to figure out why it came on so just ignore it and hope it goes away….
  7. I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.
  8. My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
  9. If you’re constantly posting “loving my life!” as your Facebook status, you’re probably not.
  10. Lost a couple FB friends overnight. Hopefully they just died and it wasn’t something I said…
  11. It’s Friday! I’m as happy as a newborn in a topless bar!
  12. During exams, students look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information.
  13. They say there are no stupid questions, but in every meeting there is one person who tries to prove this incorrect.
  14. I’m not crazy, everyone else in the world is just boring.
  15. Facebook: where English goes to die.
  16. When I see a reality show, I can’t decide which sucks more. Reality or the show.
  17. Hey Vegas, your slogan is bullsh!t” – Prince Harry
  18. I can not stand the new style with hip hop music, they say one word then repeat it a dozen times. It is so freakin annoying and lame lame lame lame lame.
  19. Apparently, Emma Watson is to star in the movie adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey. If this turns out to be true, by the end of that movie my peni$ will be fifty shades of purple.
  20. Pretty sure I know what my GF is getting me for Christmas. When I guessed, “a threesome?” she got all angry like I’d ruined the surprise.