Funny One Liners

  1. I’m in one of those weird marriages where we still have sex every day.. With each other!
  2. Can someone help me, I can’t remember,,, Did Sarah Jessica Parker get an Oscar for Sea Biscuit?
  3. Today’s Generation – “omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone
  4. Sometimes, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.
  5. At a grocery store restroom I walked in on an old man shaking water from his hands. he looks up and says to me “nuthin has come out in a week”. I stood there hoping to God he was refering to the paper towel dispenser
  6. You know that movie Anaconda? They filmed it in my pants.
  7. The secret to success is to start from scratch and keep scratching.
  8. If steroids are illegal for athletes, then Photoshop should be illegal for models
  9. The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
  10. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
  11. Sorry if you don’t like my Honesty. But to be fair I don’t like your f*cking Lies
  12. Hey Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed.
  13. Men spend more time smelling their clothes than they do cleaning them.
  14. When people don’t laugh at my jokes I just assume that they’re not up to my level of comedy.
  15. Monday morning coffee is just as important as Friday night liquor….almost.
  16. Started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can’t hear me through binoculars.
  17. If you don’t hate yourself by the time you log off, you’re not using the internet correctly.
  18. Trying 2 improve my self image, so I placed a note on my mirror that reads “objects are smaller than they appear.”
  19. Sometimes I wish I could be one of my friends for 1 day, to see how it is to hang out with me..
  20. I wish life had a rewind–the-weekend button.