Funny One Liners

  1. If you think you’re having a bad day.. just remember, somebody is going to have Snooki as a mom
  2. People keep saying that Americans are stupid, but I disagree. Anyone that builds a city 30 feet below sea level, in a hurricane zone, and fills it with blacks is a fking genius!
  3. I’m so proud of my African pen pal friend. He tells me he hasn’t had a drink in weeks. I’m so glad, he’s staying sober.
  4. Single life might be lonely, but at least I’m always with my favorite person
  5. I need to find out what my company needs to do in order to get protests by topless women.
  6. When I text someone in the same room as me, I stare at them until they get it…
  7. My ship has sailed, now I am waiting for the UFO.
  8. Many women say a guy who makes them laugh is all they want. They fail to mention all the things it takes to put them in the mood to laugh.
  9. When is decency going to be cool again?
  10. God has no Phone, but I talk to him. He has no Facebook, but he is still my friend. He does not have a Twitter, but I still follow him.
  11. I finally figured out what I wanna be when I get older………………………Younger!
  12. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
  13. One thing you always pay full price for is other people’s mistakes…
  14. Women can be so ungrateful. I just made breakfast in bed & instead of thanking me, she screams “Who are you! How did you get in my house?”
  15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
  16. We can’t control the wind, but we have the power to adjust the sails.
  17. Little to no thought was put into this status.
  18. I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
  19. I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
  20. Shockingly Pitbull’s first name isn’t Feat.