Funny One Liners

  1. If I can punch you without moving my feet, you’re in my personal space.
  2. The wife’s only listening to you outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels
  3. I love a woman that can shoot a gun, but I fear a woman with good aim.
  4. By the volume of the pans clanging and slamming in the kitchen… I think I’m supposed to be volunteering to help with something
  5. Ever notice it’s only “stalking” if the person doing the stalking is unattractive.
  6. Great move NASA, let’s blast Will.I.Am’s music into space. That will definitely let every alien nation know we are intelligent. Throw in some Beiber while your at it.
  7. For all of those that think alcohol is a problem… according to Chemistry: Alcohol is a solution. Thanks science!
  8. Boys, if you don’t look like Calvin Klein models, don’t expect us to look like Victoria’s Secret Angels.
  9. When people post statuses like “Don’t text or call me! Bad mood!” Um, no one was ever going text/call you in the first place. Just saying’
  10. I swear if my memory gets any worse, I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
  11. If winning was easy, losers would do it.
  12. BEST ADVICE: Stick to One-Night-Stands, The biggest cause of marriage is dating.
  13. I was driving through a parking lot and this young guy was walking along, texting. He briefly glanced at my truck passing by and was timing his walk so he would pass by right behind my truck as I drove by….he didn’t see the ladder sticking out the back.
  14. 651.
  15. There is nothing worse than a broke ass high maintenance woman.
  16. I plan on getting “sidewalk nap” drunk tonight.
  17. After one too many remarks about her weight, my wife went berserk. She screamed, “If you keep up with these fat jokes, you’ll drive me to suicide!” “Well I’d have to, you wouldn’t walk would you?” I replied.
  18. Relationships nowadays: First month, I love you baby! Second month, we are forever! Third month, Single.
  19. I’m making a bucket list, Some of the girls on my friends list are on it
  20. Did you mean ASK or axe? ‘Cause seriously, one is a murder weapon.