Funny One Liners

  1. It’s impossible for a woman to say ‘I’m not overreacting’ without screaming.
  2. Finally loses virginity. 3 more years left in prison.
  3. According to the employee handbook, I only require to show up sober. It doesn’t say I can’t drink once I get here.
  4. You never realize how boring life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
  5. Jersey Shore just got cancelled. Clearly an act of God. Your move, atheists.
  6. I don’t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren’t on those bridges when I burned them.
  7. Poor Chinese tourists have to buy souvenirs in other countries made by themselves in China.
  8. If I wasn’t so addicted to food and shelter I would quit this lousy job.
  9. My orgasm face looks like I’m opening a jar of pickles.
  10. Someone called me selfish and then paused as if they expected me to argue.
  11. Son: Dad, why’d you name me Achilles? He’s from Greek mythology. Dad: Well son, you broke through the trojan wall.
  12. Kim Kardashian settles lawsuit with Old Navy over stealing her likeness; also settles with The Gap over stealing her nickname.
  13. Relationships are all about finding someone that works opposite hours than you so you never have to see them.
  14. You had me at let’s get divorced.
  15. The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing
  16. Teens moms, calling yourself a mother because you gave birth is like calling me a doctor, because I own Band-aids.
  17. I asked my mom one time why I was white and she was black. She said, ” the way I remember the party you’re lucky you don’t bark.”
  18. Vending machines are so homophobic. I’m sorry my dollar is not straight enough for you.
  19. Wear jeans every day and nobody cares. Wear a shirt twice in a row and you’re suddenly homeless in the eyes of everyone.
  20. Karma is only a bitch, if you are.