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- Stop complaining about your relationship if you’re gonna stay in it, dumb ass b*tches..
- I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
- Hoes looking for attention… Haters looking for a mention… Welcome to Facebook.
- I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
- Fast way to MESS up someones Knock Knock joke? “It’s open.”
- Facebook should change the status question from “what’s on your mind?” to “what’s your problem today?”
- Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
- Game: “Would you like to try the tutorial first?” Me: “No.” *minutes later* “How the f*ck do you play this?”
- Dear ‘K”, Thanks for being there for me when times get awkward. Sincerely, Got nothing to say.
- A good friend doesn’t just make you smile, they make you happy.
- Oh you have Swag? …that’s cool, hey, can you Super Size my Fries?
- I’m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
- What’s so cool about taking a picture of a bathroom mirror?
- Highways need 4 lanes per side. A racecar wannabe, a normal driver, an old people who drive 30 in a 70 and a where the hell am I lane.
- Every time I hang out with my old roommate from college, we get drunk. I think he may have a drinking problem…
- Women: Let me over-think everything you just said, connect them to things you said years ago and pick a fight about it when you least expect
- Females will stop speaking to their friends over the littlest things, but will forgive the same trifling ass dude a millions times.
- Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.
- Every now and then I like to do a complete check of my financial situation. Yep, still nothing’.
- I’ve got money left over for condoms or lottery tickets. I’m trying to calculate the odds.