Funny One Liners

  1. Stop complaining about your relationship if you’re gonna stay in it, dumb ass b*tches..
  2. I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
  3. Hoes looking for attention… Haters looking for a mention… Welcome to Facebook.
  4. I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
  5. Fast way to MESS up someones Knock Knock joke? “It’s open.”
  6. Facebook should change the status question from “what’s on your mind?” to “what’s your problem today?”
  7. Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
  8. Game: “Would you like to try the tutorial first?” Me: “No.” *minutes later* “How the f*ck do you play this?”
  9. Dear ‘K”, Thanks for being there for me when times get awkward. Sincerely, Got nothing to say.
  10. A good friend doesn’t just make you smile, they make you happy.
  11. Oh you have Swag? …that’s cool, hey, can you Super Size my Fries?
  12. I’m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
  13. What’s so cool about taking a picture of a bathroom mirror?
  14. Highways need 4 lanes per side. A racecar wannabe, a normal driver, an old people who drive 30 in a 70 and a where the hell am I lane.
  15. Every time I hang out with my old roommate from college, we get drunk. I think he may have a drinking problem…
  16. Women: Let me over-think everything you just said, connect them to things you said years ago and pick a fight about it when you least expect
  17. Females will stop speaking to their friends over the littlest things, but will forgive the same trifling ass dude a millions times.
  18. Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.
  19. Every now and then I like to do a complete check of my financial situation. Yep, still nothing’.
  20. I’ve got money left over for condoms or lottery tickets. I’m trying to calculate the odds.