Funny One Liners

  1. If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not really your friends.
  2. I have over 500 FB friends but only 6 actual friends. And, I don’t even like 2 of them…
  3. People Don’t even say grace before meals anymore . They just Hold up Their Phones over the Plate , snap a Pic , & Post it on Instagram
  4. Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
  5. People are made to be loved and things are made to be used. The confusion of this world is that people are used and things are loved.
  6. When I ask for a threesome with you and your best friend, I am only joking… Unless the answer is yes… In which case, can I videotape it?
  7. When you’re at someone’s house: Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your WiFi password?”
  8. I have decided that I am not a 30 something. I am 29.95, plus shipping and handling.
  9. Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
  10. There are times when I miss you so bad, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.
  11. I spend way too much time deciding on whether I should use “Lol”, “Lmao”, “Rofl”, or “Haha” in my text message.
  12. You know what’s worse than your tribal tattoo? The story about why you got it.
  13. I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago…
  14. I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
  15. No, you can’t sit there – I’m saving that seat in case someone hotter than you comes along.
  16. My left buttcheek fell asleep. I’m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
  17. The best curve on a woman is her smile 🙂 …Hahahaha lmao! No I’m kidding, it’s her boobs.
  18. I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you are good with grammar you will get it.
  19. Mexican word of the day “Budweiser” That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
  20. How amazing would it be if President Obama turned around and said, “One more thing” and then revealed the iPhone 5.