Funny One Liners

  1. “Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.” – Plato,
  2. Freedom Isn’t Free, So Stop Whining And Pay Your Taxes.
  3. Facebook is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
  4. My Dad should be in the Guinness Book Of World Records. I’m pretty sure no one has ever taken twenty seven years to go and get a pint of milk.
  5. My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she prolly meant baking soda….but I disagree. 🙂
  6. I sing in the shower. I think I sound pretty good. The other people in the gym don’t agree.
  7. Karen on Facebook says, “2014 is going sooooo well!” Personally, I’ve already fcuked up 2014, and a good chunk of 2015, so go fcuk yourself Karen.
  8. My wife thinks I have a gambling habit. She hasn’t said anything, but I can bet that’s what she is thinking.
  9. Why don’t you come sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up?
  10. What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
  11. You’re like a prize winning fish. I don’t know whether to eat you or mount you.
  12. I’m like a Rubik’s Cube, the more you play with me the harder I get!
  13. Did you know there are 260 bones in the human body? Want one more?
  14. Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No. Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
  15. Never take for granted someone that can make you smile or the fact that you have something to smile about.
  16. Why do people post missing person posts on Facebook? Like we’re going outside…
  17. I actually feel bad for Justin Bieber. No girl should have to take a picture without her makeup on
  18. Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
  19. I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I’m playing with it. Yeah…I’m playing with my selfie.
  20. Women’s magazines are so funny. 1: You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.