Funny One Liners

  1. Relationships these days are like Birthdays….Once the Cake is Eaten, the Party’s Over…!!!
  2. Time is the coin of life. Only you can determine how it will be spent.
  3. The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
  4. You know how after you get off a boat, your body still feels like its on the boat for a while after? I’m like that with beds.
  5. My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I’m pretty damn excited.
  6. Me “Hey honey, I got hurt at work, Donna brought me to the hospital and the Doctors are trying to save my leg.” Her “Who’s Donna??”
  7. Had to talk with my son about masturbation today…I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
  8. For those of you wondering what it’s like to be married, I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having.
  9. Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
  10. Her phone display is brighter than her future.
  11. Of course I don’t hold grudges! I’m a woman, I carry them around in my designer purse everywhere I go.
  12. So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
  13. I’ve just invented a new word: “plagiarism”.
  14. My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….. I shit you knot.”
  15. If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
  16. The best feeling in the world is realizing that you’re perfectly happy without the thing you thought you needed.
  17. I am running out of people I actually like.
  18. I just saw a guy wearing uggs get arrested. Not sure what for, but I’m hoping it was because he was wearing uggs
  19. You like sleeping? Me too! We should do it together sometime.
  20. Woman without curves is like a road without bends…. You may get to your destination quicker, but the ride is boring as hell.