Funny One Liners

  1. Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
  2. Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
  3. The most powerful words other than I LOVE YOU is “Salary is Credited” 🙂
  4. Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point !
  5. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I cant even get into my own pants.
  6. Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I’d look out the window for that.
  7. You can’t ruin a friendship with sex. That’s like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.
  8. Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up ?
  9. Just saw a coyote next to the highway… I hope this tunnel ahead isn’t just painted on.
  10. The worst part about being introduced to new people is the panic moment where I think “Pay attention! Pay attention!!!” and miss their name.
  11. Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.
  12. I have benefits if anybody needs a friend.
  13. Step 1 – Change your Wi-Fi password to “blowmefirst.” Step 2 – Wait for someone to ask you for it.
  14. I always wondered why cross eyed people never get hit crossing the road. Then it hit me. They are always looking both ways.
  15. How to get Laid: Lay in bed. Wait two hours. Lay becomes past tense.
  16. How much time did you spend on your hair before you took a selfie of your boobs?
  17. I wouldn’t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren’t coming from my wife.
  18. You may not like guns. That is your right. You may not believe in God. That is your choice. But if someone breaks into your home, the first two things you are going to do are: 1. Call someone with a gun 2. Pray they get there in time.
  19. I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
  20. If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot…