Funny One Liners

  1. I wanna go to Africa to see where rappers come from.
  2. Hung like Einstein smart as a horse… Thanks dad.
  3. Every time I get a birthday card with money in it, I pretend not to notice the money and “read” the card.
  4. Best advice I can give to newlyweds is to buy a really comfortable couch.
  5. That dolphin tattoo on your ass was SO hot when you were 18, Now it looks like a used condom!
  6. When someone says “be honest” what they really mean is: lie to me, but be as convincing as possible.
  7. Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
  8. Congrats on being one of the “cool kids” in Highschool. Too bad about the rest of your life though.
  9. Gay marriage is legal in 6 states. Having sex with a horse is legal in 23. Good going, America.
  10. Please don’t dress like a slut unless you’re really a slut…It’s very confusing to us guys.
  11. I can see you’re upset. Maybe you should post more about it on Facebook. That should eliminate any more drama.
  12. Romeo and Juliet is Not a Love Story… It’s a 3-Day relationship between a 13 year-old and a 17 year-old that caused 6 Deaths. Sincerely, everyone who actually Read it.
  13. I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touch screen while I’m driving
  14. Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It’s so fun to watch them freak out!
  15. How can this cop expect me to show him my license when he took it away last month? What an Idiot.
  16. I respect whoever allowed women into the military. Girl on period + gun = unstoppable.
  17. Just because you are chubby and heartbroken doesn’t mean you must sing Adele’s song on Karaoke.
  18. I’ve been keeping this a secret for almost a year now because I didn’t want to lose friends: I don’t work on Mondays.
  19. The worst thing about doggie style is you can both see your kid come into the room.
  20. Forrest Whitaker turned 51 today, his right eye turned 47.