Funny One Liners

  1. Thank you, slow walking family in front of me on the footpath, No please, take your time…. and definitely spread out, so you create a barricade of idiots.
  2. When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
  3. I used to be passive aggressive but now I’m aggressively passive. Don’t mess with me, idiot. I’ll sit right here. I’ll f*cking forgive you.
  4. I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
  5. Why is that every time I visit someone, I have to take a dump, and their bathroom is right there near where everyone is sitting and I’m about to expel what will sound like a 21 gun salute at Niagara Falls.
  6. Come one Southwest Airlines…either train your pilots how to navigate a plane well enough to land at the right airport or allow the pilot’s wife to ride along so she can make sure he doesn’t land a jumbo jet at a small county airport.
  7. Looks like Southwest Airlines needs to install a GPS Tomtom in the planes so their pilots don’t get lost.
  8. Internet Explorer says I must have cookies turned on. I’ve licked them seductively – what more can I do?
  9. Back in the day I was attracted to this chick but never had enough guts to ask her out but after witnessing first hand the drama she creates on Facebook I am glad I dodged that bullet.
  10. The biggest difference between mistletoe and camel toe is the length of the kiss.
  11. I don’t mean to denigrate women. (Ladies, “denigrate” means to put-down or patronize.)
  12. My wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with karaoke. I said “Fine, go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, because your not welcome anymore….”
  13. Just put some trousers on I last wore at a wedding in 2001 and found a Nokia 3210 in the back pocket. It’s still got 2 bars of battery on it.
  14. There are dogs that can detect cancer, find missing people, detect bombs, etc. My dog rolls around in other animals feces.
  15. Sometimes taste is not a flavor, and class is not something you attend.
  16. Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport
  17. What idiot called it “best man” instead of “lord of the rings”
  18. Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
  19. Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
  20. It’s a vagina, not a small business!