The best thing about Twitter & Instagram is that every girl finally gets to be a princess, or a _princess, or even a prin_cess.
Swine Flu is back? Just when you think something is gone forever it comes back and makes people sick.. Just like Dennis Rodman
Whenever I have a bad day,,, I just remind myself that there are people out there who have their ex’s name tattooed on their body
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
I remember back when the media didn’t have to invent names like “polar vortex” to tell us that it is cold during winter…
I drank too much over the holidays. I was at the doctor’s yesterday and gave a urine sample. It had an olive in it.
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
Yesterday I met my ex-girlfriend’s son and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.
I saw a woman about to jump off a cliff. “You want to have sex first”, I asked. She said, “no” so I said “OK, I’ll wait for you at the bottom!”
Whenever I see a happy couple, smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love, I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you tell her she is overreacting.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
No, I don’t want to “Like” your business on Facebook. I barely “Like” you.
We need to make music cool again people. If you go home with someone and they have a Justin Bieber CD in their music collection, don’t fcuk them.
I’m not sure what post it was that caused me to lose 2 more Facebook friends today, but if I find out which one it was I will make sure to post it again….
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
We live in a time where “He is hot” is more important than “He is a nice guy.”