Funny One Liners

  1. The best thing about Twitter & Instagram is that every girl finally gets to be a princess, or a _princess, or even a prin_cess.
  2. Swine Flu is back? Just when you think something is gone forever it comes back and makes people sick.. Just like Dennis Rodman
  3. Whenever I have a bad day,,, I just remind myself that there are people out there who have their ex’s name tattooed on their body
  4. “FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
  5. I remember back when the media didn’t have to invent names like “polar vortex” to tell us that it is cold during winter…
  6. I drank too much over the holidays. I was at the doctor’s yesterday and gave a urine sample. It had an olive in it.
  7. Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
  8. Yesterday I met my ex-girlfriend’s son and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.
  9. I saw a woman about to jump off a cliff. “You want to have sex first”, I asked.  She said, “no” so I said “OK, I’ll wait for you at the bottom!”
  10. Whenever I see a happy couple, smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love, I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
  11. This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
  12. I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
  13. You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you tell her she is overreacting.
  14. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
  15. No, I don’t want to “Like” your business on Facebook. I barely “Like” you.
  16. We need to make music cool again people. If you go home with someone and they have a Justin Bieber CD in their music collection, don’t fcuk them.
  17. I’m not sure what post it was that caused me to lose 2 more Facebook friends today, but if I find out which one it was I will make sure to post it again….
  18. Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
  19. Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
  20. We live in a time where “He is hot” is more important than “He is a nice guy.”