Funny One Liners

  1. Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
  2. My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch.
  3. Just drove by an Asian restaurant – Wok n’ Roll – well played Chinese people. So crever
  4. I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
  5. Look UPS chick, you can’t just show up at someone’s house unannounced and expect them to always have their pants on, and not to be covered in Baby Oil!!
  6. My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects…..but he’s a lamp…what does he know….
  7. Dear Liver: The holidays are almost over. Come on you can do this!
  8. One man’s sarcastic answer, is another man’s stupid question
  9. 2013 is nearly over so like this status if I’ve ever made you smile this year.
  10. is actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
  11. New years eve – one of the only days when it is socially acceptable to start drinking this early.
  12. Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
  13. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  14. Its the last day of the year…. Just felt I should thank everyone who made me smile this year. You are one of them so here’s a big THANK YOU.
  15. Ugh. New Year’s Eve is just around the corner and I STILL haven’t picked out which gang sign I’m going to hold up in photos
  16. I got arrested for punching this guy at a new years eve party….. when you here an Arab counting down from ten your instincts kick in.
  17. Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It’s called Facebook.
  18. If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
  19. Remember ladies, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it’s because you’re a whore.
  20. The meteorologist on the news gives the forecast then says, “People don’t know the difference between weather and climate.” Yes I do: “Oh look, a ladder I don’t know weather I should walk under it or climate.” See? Told you.