Funny One Liners

  1. First woman on Moon: -Huston, we have a problem? What? -Never mind What’s the problem? -Nothing Please tell us? -You know what’s the problem
  2. I think money attracts the females you want, struggle attracts the woman you need.
  3. I still haven’t been able to deal with the fact that Jessica Simpson has had two children and didn’t name either one “Homer”
  4. I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!” I said, “Wow!” Then her friend said, “She means 6663629.”
  5. Someone’s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves
  6. I didn’t wear earrings for a long time and the holes closed, now I’m worried about my vagina.
  7. Well it’s almost time for that ” New Year — New Me ” bullshit again!
  8. I always hoped my kids wouldn’t have to suffer the same things I had to. Then Michael Bolton comes back….
  9. What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
  10. I’m planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss … whether my dog likes it or not.
  11. If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck … maybe squint a little bit
  12. Ok everyone enough of your “family” time, come back to the internet. We are your real family.
  13. I show people I love them by not spending time with them. It’s the best thing I can offer.
  14. We all hold our hand out for help in this life. The goal should be to have your palm down more often than up.
  15. Some relationships can survive only online.
  16. The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin Mcallister because I’m always going home alone
  17. If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
  18. Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she’s gained weight.
  19. I’m working on my 2014 New Year’s Resolutions List 1. On January 1st, “Express order” workout equipment. 2. January 2nd workout with new equipment 3. January 3rd “Place Ad to sell workout equipment at 1/2 price”
  20. To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013,  it did fuck all. For 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers…Cheers!