Funny One Liners

  1. I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
  2. To the person who just mass messaged me that heart felt “Merry Christmas” text, I thought you should know everyone says “Thanks”. ..All 115 of them.
  3. May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
  4. When is Dennis Rodman going to realize that he will be executed as soon as the North Korean basketball team he is training loses their first game.
  5. The restraining order doesn’t mean we can’t hangout. It just says I can’t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or Frisbee or something?
  6. Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
  7. ’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming… Just cuz I went into the wrong house.
  8. Got banned from bookstore AGAIN this weekend for moving “CAUTION: WET FLOOR” sign to the erotic aisle.
  9. Some of the best things in life…are mistakes.
  10. Question ? Do old lesbians try to look like Rod Stewart or does Rod Stewart try to look like an old lesbian?
  11. I figure I must be Bi-sexual. I have sex twice a year.
  12. If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
  13. People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
  14. Women: Think of every guy you have ever been friends with. He has jerked off to you. Good talk.
  15. I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me ‘Will you be putting it up yourself?’ I told him, ‘No, you sicko, it’s going in the living room!’
  16. Taking Viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
  17. I consider myself a tolerable person, and I can care less if you are gay/straight;black/white; or conservative or liberal. The one thing I cannot tolerate, is ALL YOUR FUKN GAME REQUESTS!!!!!
  18. The Dr. who had examined my wife when she was rushed to the Emergency Room, pulled me aside and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’ I said ‘Me neither doc,’ ……’But she’s a great cook and good with the kids.’
  19. You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
  20. She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing food at her.