Funny One Liners

  1. Favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell’s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
  2. My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
  3. I’m not flirting. I’m just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive. 😉
  4. Care less and you’ll stress less.
  5. Dear coffee, I want you inside of me
  6. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
  7. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
  8. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.
  9. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
  10. The difference between “like” “love” and “in love” is the same as the difference between “for now” “for a while” and “forever”
  11. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!”
  12. I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
  13. Sometimes it’s better to keep using the wrong key until you find the right lock.
  14. I don’t even bother filling out the “From” field on gift tags during Xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
  15. Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.
  16. If Lance Armstrong can’t keep his awards he should just take his ball and go home.
  17. Remember, Christmas isn’t about how big your tree is, or what’s under it. It’s about who’s around it.
  18. Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
  19. If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
  20. If I’ve offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize. I honestly didn’t think you could read.