Funny One Liners

  1. What if the cure for cancer is in the mind of someone who cant afford an education?
  2. I was in the middle of a selfie and my mother walked in, now all she can say is “don’t worry son everyone’s doing that.”
  3. Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie, romantic…..but do it on a bus and the judge doesn’t agree.
  4. Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
  5. Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I’ve only done that with pizza
  6. I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
  7. Oh com’on Kim Jong everyone has a ”funny uncle” in the family….don’t you think the firing squad was a little harsh???
  8. It would be so much more ”festive” if UPS and FEDEX guys dressed as Santa while delivering packages during the holiday season
  9. Dear hot girls who complain about how men fawn over you, I’ve got great news: In 20 years, no one will give a fcuk about you. You’ll love it
  10. I’m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
  11. Well, it’s the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
  12. If you hear someone sing Jingle Bells and you don’t respond with Batman smells then I don’t wanna be friends with you.
  13. Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject
  14. If you’re in a relationship. I don’t know why you feel the need to upload 10 selfies a day. Look at your boyfriend instead of a camera . You attention seeking hoe
  15. With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
  16. I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
  17. To me funny is beautiful.
  18. Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
  19. I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
  20. My ex posted a pic captioned, “Just me” and I commented, “Yes just you and your 7 personalities”