Funny One Liners

  1. I’m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I’m already dead.
  2. Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds… Not funny, grow up.
  3. They say swearing is due to limited vocabulary. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer’ f*ck off’ to ‘go away’.
  4. MTV has named Miley Cyrus the best artist of 2013. Kinda fitting I guess, since MTV has no idea what music is anymore…
  5. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
  6. This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
  7. Time to buy a new car, a bigger TV, a better cell phone and a faster laptop so I’ll finally be happy! (Repeat over and over until you die)
  8. If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar and say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
  9. Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don’t.
  10. Dear Kanye West,— Take the diaper off your daughter and put it around your face. A lot of crap has been coming from it lately
  11. Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is this a trick question?
  12. I’m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
  13. This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
  14. I don’t get “drunk” during the holidays I get “festive”.
  15. My boss is currently shopping for quarter million dollar homes. Meanwhile, I’m over here deciding if I really need to spend $2 on lunch.
  16. I’m pretty sure today is one of my family members birthday….. I should probably “unblock” them and check.
  17. Oh honey, you’re not pretty enough to be that stupid
  18. It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
  19. I think the face you make pre-sneeze is the same as when you orgasm.
  20. If you don’t like the fire….don’t tickle the dragon.