Funny One Liners

  1. Death is a part of life… Specifically the last part.
  2. I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
  3. I just called. To say. I texted you.
  4. When I first got married I would hold my wife’s hands and gaze into her eyes when I talked to her. After all these years I still hold her hands and gaze into her eyes but it’s mostly for self defense purposes
  5. Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.
  6. Bought a cheese grater for a blind friend… He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.
  7. I need the “Viewer Discretion Advised” voice to narrate my life.
  8. Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
  9. I have been checking Facebook less and less. If this continues, I’ll eventually forget about all those people for the 2nd time.
  10. I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
  11. People on Death row probably don’t think it’s funny when the President pardons the turkeys for Thanksgiving.
  12. My favorite part of Thanksgiving day is when I stuff the Bird. My wife enjoys it too but wishes I’d find another nickname for her lady parts.
  13. All this negativity in the world and I still remain Positive! -Magic Johnson
  14. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind but know when to shut the fcuk up.
  15. Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
  16. I know we’re smarter than dogs, but whenever I hear them bark for no reason I’m positive they know more than I do.
  17. I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.
  18. My wife has so many shoes the bedroom looks like the outside of a mosque.
  19. A girl posted on FB: “Sum 1 Cum 2 ma house nd sav me frm boredom” A guy replied: “sending an English teacher immediately”
  20. Nothing says “I probably don’t have a mode of transportation” like being the dude hugging another dude on the back of a Harley.