Funny One Liners

  1. People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
  2. Facebook has pretty much made it impossible to ever again say, “I had no idea it was your birthday!”
  3. My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
  4. What is love? Those who play with it call it a game. Those who don’t have it call it a dream. And me, I call it you.
  5. Had a bad mix up at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
  6. I met this woman at the club tonight. Well she looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady! It was when she drove me to her place and paralleled parked on the very first try that l thought hold on a minute here!
  7. In my will I am leaving everything to the imagination.
  8. If I ever opened up a nail salon, I would definitely name it “Handjobs”.
  9. If life gives you melons… get a good sports bra.
  10. Does anyone else feel like a 25yr old trapped in a 40yr+ body???
  11. Writing a good joke is an art form and some of you need to stick to coloring books.
  12. The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.
  13. I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
  14. Confucius say: Woman who keep husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
  15. My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
  16. Okay, 45-year-old divorced women on Facebook who are “LUV’N’ LIFE!” Calm down. We get it.
  17. There are two kinds of friends: 1. Friends with benefits 2. Friends with potential.
  18. It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
  19. I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
  20. There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.