Funny One Liners

  1. That awkward moment when you change your Facebook status to “single” and your ex likes it.
  2. I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now update your Facebook status.
  3. That awkward moment when your in super deep thought. Then 3 minutes later you realize you are staring directly at someone.
  4. If there’s one thing I really can’t stand when I’m drunk, it’s up.
  5. The key to a long and good relationship is to keep the fights clean, and the sex dirty!!!
  6. I don’t know what all this fuss is about Same Sex Marriage! Me and my wife have been having the same sex for 21yrs! It’s boring but it isn’t worth getting all upset over!!!
  7. If lesbians aren’t attracted to men, why are they attracted to women that look like men?
  8. So you’re the bitch that told that bitch that I’m a bitch. Well listen bitch, it takes a bitch to know a bitch. So who’s the bitch now, bitch?
  9. Hey, I’m a girl. I ignore nice guys, chase douche bags, and then complain about it
  10. I used to be a People Person, but People ruined it for me!!!
  11. What’s the world’s longest sentence? …. I do.
  12. I do have a life outside of Facebook, but I don’t remember the password for it.
  13. For my next magic trick i’ll need a condom and a volunteer.
  14. Life is ironic. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without them.
  15. Rest areas are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.
  16. Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
  17. Doggy style, because sometimes you both just like the same tv show.
  18. You think you’re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone else’s shower.
  19. Relationships are harder now because conversations become texting, arguments become phone calls, and feelings become status updates
  20. People say drinking milk makes you stronger. I drunk 5 glasses of milk and tried to move a wall. It didn’t work. Then, I drank 5 glasses of vodka and the wall moved alone!!