Funny One Liners

  1. I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to fcuk off today you’ll feel better.
  2. Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
  3. The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
  4. I can’t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
  5. Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
  6. Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
  7. Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction,,, I hope there’s no hard feelings
  8. Anyone who’s says, “It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all”, has obviously never gone through a divorce.
  9. Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
  10. I’m pretty sure the phrase “sleep tight” originated in prison
  11. Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
  12. Perhaps Bieber wouldn’t need to vandalize walls with graffiti if the restaurants that he goes to would offer him a coloring menu with crayons.
  13. What do you call a girl who expects a guy to do everything for her, make all the first moves, and text her first every day? SINGLE
  14. I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!
  15. The irony of social media is that the majority of users are all alone.
  16. That was actually pretty funny. But, I don’t like you. Therefore, I will not laugh.
  17. The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
  18. The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
  19. Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
  20. Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.