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- I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to fcuk off today you’ll feel better.
- Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
- The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
- I can’t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
- Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
- Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
- Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction,,, I hope there’s no hard feelings
- Anyone who’s says, “It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all”, has obviously never gone through a divorce.
- Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
- I’m pretty sure the phrase “sleep tight” originated in prison
- Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
- Perhaps Bieber wouldn’t need to vandalize walls with graffiti if the restaurants that he goes to would offer him a coloring menu with crayons.
- What do you call a girl who expects a guy to do everything for her, make all the first moves, and text her first every day? SINGLE
- I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!
- The irony of social media is that the majority of users are all alone.
- That was actually pretty funny. But, I don’t like you. Therefore, I will not laugh.
- The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
- The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
- Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
- Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.